All Grown Up?

Last week I turned 32. Not a big deal. It doesn’t feel any different from 31, 30 or 29. And really, the only reason it feels slightly different from younger than that is because before 29 I was in the pre-baby mode. In fact, in some ways, it feels better than when I was younger. I have no research reports to complete, I’m getting more sleep and eating better, and I’m in better shape than I’ve been in since before I was pregnant with Padyn. But what strikes me as odd is just that—I don’t feel much different than I did at say 23 when we were first married, or even 20 when I was still in college. Albeit, I can see that I’m a bit more mature, and I’m a bit more set in my ways and opinions than I was then. But physically, I feel the same.

Yet, when I was younger (late teens, early twenties) I saw the age I am at now as old. Not old, as in old and decrepit needing a cane or anything. But old in the sense of being mature, having a plan for your life, knowing what you want to do when you grow up and doing it. Feeling settled, complete…I don’t know….GROWN-UP. Maybe that’s just it. I thought I’d feel like a grown-up. And I don’t.

In all outward appearances, I am a grown-up. I have two kids, a husband, a mortgage and a nice car. I used to have a steady pay check and people wanted to know my opinion and seek my advice concerning work issues. We mostly have a plan for our life. Those are all grown-up things. I even have gray hair. Well, it’s more white really, but that plum hair coloring I used two weeks ago has taken care of some of that.

I guess what I’m really wondering is, do you ever feel like a grown-up? Look, yes. But feel? Maybe that wouldn’t be a good thing after all. I do have a few more aches and pains in my neck and back, but I just chalk that up to weight training and carrying a 17 pound infant around all the time. (That and carrying the 17 pound infant AND the 30 pound preschooler at the same time.) And why is it I thought I would feel different? What is at the heart of being “grown-up?” Certainly not age. I’ve met many adults that I wouldn’t call grown-ups. Unfortunately, some of them even have children.

I bet my babysitters think I’m a grown-up. Maybe you are a grown-up as long as people younger than you perceive you as one. Or at least your children. Which is just the way it should be, I guess.